Muslims in Love

For over 1400 years, love has lived on in Muslim societies, as evidenced by the large body of poetry and belles lettres. These works have always been popular because they resonate with so many of us who experienced love and heartbreak and long for fulfilling lifelong relationships. While the roles and expectations in marriage have changed over time, many Muslims in the West aim to balance their Islamic traditions with their Western sensibilities. Those who choose the traditional route in finding a spouse clearly don’t have the Harlequin Romance version of marriage. Nonetheless, they believe in love between spouses and emotional and spiritual intimacy. The particular set of needs can vary from person to person, as much as from culture to culture. Love is a major item on the agenda of many Muslims. In fact, countless individuals, matchmakers, community leaders, and activists have joined in the efforts aimed at keeping Muslims in love.

The institution of marriage is important for Muslims in both the material and spiritual sense. Most Muslims are familiar with the saying, “Marriage is half your religion.” Stable Muslim families ensure the continuation of the community.  At the same time, in marriage, Muslims are able to develop as spiritual and emotional beings. Through the joys and challenges, triumphs and tests of marriage, they become fully human. For many Muslims their love for their spouse is a way of connecting with the Divine. Even the process of finding a suitable spouse feels like a mystical process, especially for North American Muslim women, whom many feel finding a perfect match is something of a miracle. But with hope, moments of despair and then a leap of faith, it happens for many of us.

A growing number of Muslim women are rejecting arranged marriages. They do not simply find that similar upbringing and shared cultural and socio-economic background will guarantee marital success. They are looking for a companion, a life-partner, someone who can understand them and support them in their struggle to balance their religion and demands of life in the West.

Revert women face a special set of challenges in marriage. Sure, if you have no male relatives, you can appoint someone to act as a Wali (a guardian who looks after a woman’s interests). But many of the walis do not act as true guardians and protectors. The proof in the pudding is in the treatment and care they give to their own daughters compared to the women they are supposed to look out for. Revert Muslim women are often left in the lurch when it comes to arranging the courtship and if they want chaperons, forget about it. Most walis are too busy for that. As a result, many new reverts are often married without anyone but their husband’s friend acting as their wali and signing off on the contract. Time and time again I have heard Muslim women advocate for more structures to be put in place to facilitate matchmaking while safeguarding women who are often vulnerable to predatorial or irresponsible men.

In finding love, many Muslims balance Islamic traditions, cultural identities, and circumstances that are unique to the West. In light of the challenges Western Muslims face in matters of the heart, community leaders are beginning to develop initiatives and innovative programs to strengthen marriages in their communities. Muslim community centers often provide marriage classes, marriage counseling, singles events, and matrimonial services. These efforts reflect how serious Muslims take the saying, “marriage is half your religion.” For the stability and health of our communities, we need to be committed to being in love, real love.

Margari Aziza Hill is a Black American convert who embraced Islam in 1993 and is currently a doctoral student studying Islam in Africa. She has studied, researched and lived in Egypt, Kuwait, Morocco, and the UK.

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