“Muslims are great at denying themselves things. We even have a whole month dedicated to it.”
This is a very derogatory way of referring to the holy month of Ramadan.
Ramadan is a blessing sent from the all mighty creator of the heavens and the earth. It is a month of provision, and not denial; the provisions that can be gained are piety, patience, control, taqwa, and closeness to Allah. For you to reduce it to a month of denial to open your article in a catchy way is very inappropriate and borderline disrespectful.
You should have more respect when speaking about the religion of Allah. It is no joking matter and is a serious issue.

“Verily, this (the Qur’aan) is the Word that separates (the truth from falsehood). And it is not a thing for amusement”[al-Taariq 86:13-14]

“If you ask them (about this), they declare: ‘We were only talking idly and joking.’ Say: ‘Was it at Allaah, and His Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) and His Messenger that you were mocking?’
Make no excuse; you disbelieved after you had believed…”[al-Tawbah 9:65-66]

Brother please calm down. I don’t think that the author was mocking Ramadan at all. For most Muslims fasting is merely a ritual done without meaning, especially when we binge our bellies full right after breaking fast. So the comparison between Muslims seeing the month as purely one of denial from physical things was compared to us denying the reality around marriage. Fasting was practiced by religions dating back as old as 10,000 years BC and it was done as a means of receiving divine revelation and spirit ascension, as can be seen with aboriginals as well. The Prophet (PBUH) received revelation after he fasted. And he didn’t practice rituals without meaning. One rakat of slow focused prayer is better than 4 rakats of meaningless fast sajdas while burping. If we truly didn’t see Ramadan as denial then we wouldn’t be gaining 5 LBs of weight at the end of the month despite fasting for 17 hours a day! Allah knows best.

I would argue that the rate of divorce is not a measure of how healthy a community or society is. In this day and age people take this for granted as a measure of success or quality of life.

If you look at the lives of the companions of the Prophet PBUH there were many divorces, and they were the best of societies and the best of generations. We would never say that they were unsuccessful or not the best of generations. The Prophet PBUH said, “The best people are my contemporaries (my generation) and then those who come after them (i.e., the next generation) and those who come after them.”

Yes the best of all human generations did have many divorces, which may be contrary to popular belief. This is why I believe it is key to understand that there should not be a stigma attached to divorce. For the best generation, there was not the stigma associated to a man or woman who was divorced, as is the case now days.

The fact that we look down on divorced individuals, especially upon women, is an oppression to our sisters in faith. It is not correct Islamically. The problem is not with divorce itself, the problem is with the implications divorce has on the perceptions of people.
In today’s times, a man would rather marry a young woman who was not divorced, and some people consider it taboo for a man to prefer to marry an older woman who is divorced. Islamically, it should be not be considered taboo, but only a slight preference should be given to the women who is younger as per the hadith of Jabir where the Prophet PBUH said “...Why not a young girl so that you could play with her and she could play with you?...” (Sahih Muslim - Book of Marriage #3462)

Islam values family so much, and it is so important. During the time of the Prophet PBUH, a divorced individual would not have obstacles to re-marrying. Today there are many obstacles which need to identified and removed.

Some obstacles are as follows: the stigma of not wanting to marry someone who has been divorced; cultural pressure; the dis-like of polygamy; lack of virtue; hyper-sexulization of media targeted towards the youth; objectification of women; lack of faith; lack of piety; rampant greed in the hearts of Muslims; unwillingness to sacrifice; and excessing materialism.

I would say the true reason we can’t get over the stigma of divorce, is because we are so attached to the views and standards of our current society, and we are weak in our faith and believe, and are not willing to give up our desires for the desires of our Lord and creator, we are not willing to give up our opinions to the opinions of our beloved Prophet PBUH, we are not willing to give up our life style for the life style of our Prophet PBUH and his companions.
Without a strong commitment to enter completely and fully into the folds of Islam with faith and belief, we would not be able to return to the dream-like world of society of the companions of the Prophet, where divorce can be a blessing for you if need be, rather than an oppression upon you. In today’s times, if you stay with the person your not compatible with, your damned, if you leave them to get divorced your damned. So like they say, “your damned if you do, and damned if you don’t”.

If we were willing to take a deep look at our hearts, and what type of value we give Islam, and what type of time and effort we spend to truly understand the basic and core fundamental teachings of this religion, and allow it to permeate through our lives, our personalities, our behaviours, our views, our way of life; if we did that, and if we were truly willing to “submit” (islam means submit, not peace, peace is a consequence of submitting to Allah) then not only would divorce be a non-existent issue for the Muslim, but even more pressing issues of the Muslim community, of the entire Muslim ummah would be rectified.

Take heed and read the Qur’an! Will we be the people Allah speaks about below, or will we be with those ones who the warning of Allah is given to below? Just because we are given the title or label of Muslim doesn’t mean we are living up to it.

Surah Al Ma’idah:

54. O you who believe! Whoever from among you turns back from his religion (Islam), Allah will bring a people whom He will love and they will love Him; humble towards the believers, stern towards the disbelievers, fighting in the Way of Allah, and never afraid of the blame of the blamers. That is the Grace of Allah which He bestows on whom He wills. And Allah is All-Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Knower.

55. Verily, your Wali (Protector or Helper) is Allah, His Messenger, and the believers, - those who perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat), and give Zakat, and they bow down (submit themselves with obedience to Allah in prayer).

56. And whosoever takes Allah, His Messenger, and those who have believed, as Protectors, then the party of Allah will be the victorious.

57. O you who believe! Take not for Auliya’ (protectors and helpers) those who take your religion for a mockery and fun from among those who received the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before you, nor from among the disbelievers; and fear Allah if you indeed are true believers.

58. And when you proclaim the call for As-Salat [call for the prayer (Adhan)], they take it (but) as a mockery and fun; that is because they are a people who understand not.

59. Say: “O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians)! Do you criticize us for no other reason than that we believe in Allah, and in (the revelation) which has been sent down to us and in that which has been sent down before (us), and that most of you are Fasiqun [rebellious and disobedient (to Allah)]?”

Dear Mustafa,

Asalamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullah

To say Muslims today in the west and elsewhere reduce fasting in Ramadan to self-denial is one thing, but to say that Islam, or ‘we’, meaning the religion of Islam, have a month dedicated to denial is another thing, and a very different thing to say. To say the later is completely unacceptable due to the extreme sensitivity of the issue of speaking negatively about the religion of Islam (which you may not be aware of). The opening can easily be misinterpreted, and it would be safer for the one speaking to be very clear in what they are saying due to this great harm and danger.

The reason I mention this, is because whether any person intends to mock the religion or not, even if they did it by accident, even if it was in the slightest way, they could take themselves out of the folds of Islam! What a great loss and a catastrophe to befall a Muslim unknowingly.

Better safe than sorry!

If you loved your little baby brother from being safe from putting his hand on the stove, would you tell your parents to calm down if they told him not to go towards the direction of the hot stove because your little baby brother could get burnt badly by it? Of course not. So we love our sister, the author of this article, for the sake of Allah, and we love for all our muslim brothers and sisters to be safe from the greatest danger and torment, the fire of hell. If the issue wouldn’t result in such a great danger, there wouldn’t be a need to give a strong warning. So please understand, the danger is great, so should be the warning.

I only intended good by what I said, and safety for the one whom I said it to. Please try to understand…

“If you ask them (about this), they declare: ‘We were only talking idly and joking.’ Say: ‘Was it at Allaah, and His Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) and His Messenger that you were mocking?’
Make no excuse; you disbelieved after you had believed…”[al-Tawbah 9:65-66]

Salaam Alaikum Abdullah

I would just like to make clear that the opening line was not used as a mockery of Islam, and it should not be taken out of context. The article above is not about Ramadan, but about marriage. The first line therefore needs to be taken within this context, and more than anything, it was used to evoke some reaction in readers that marriage issues are a serious issues that we’re doing very little about. Furthermore, the article comes from my observations that within certain community circles, the issue of divorce we’re facing is denied, or swept under the rug so to speak. While I appreciate your concern that this line may land me into trouble with my creator, Allah (swt), please rest assured that my intentions behind using the opening line were very clear. If someone chooses to mis-interpret the line, then I can’t prevent that from happening, After all, words on a page can be taken in any number of ways. I further don’t feel the need to explain my personal relationship with Allah and Islam to justify this any further.

Now back to the subject matter at hand…what are your views on the troubles our Muslim Ummah is facing with marriage?

JazakAllahu Khair,
Sameera

Salam,

Well said brother Abdullah. Mustafa should be careful what he says. Islam is perfect, sometimes its followers are not, including myself. But you’re right, we can’t blame a religion for its followers. 

Also well said to another brother. However, the Qur’an states the Prophet could not discern between all of those who he associated with:

[Quran 9:101] Among the Aarabs around you, there are hypocrites. Also, among the city dwellers, there are those who are accustomed to hypocrisy. You do not know them, but we know them.

To define “hadith” as “the literal or precise verbatim of the factual sayings, deeds or approvals of the Prophet of Islam (peace and blessings of Allah be upon all Prophets and their true companions)”, could be technically inaccurate and in some instances fundamentally wrong. The companions and even later khalifates did not even write down (i.e.hadiths) anything except for the Quran. Within the revealed verses of the Qur’an, 9:43-50, Allah has given us an eye-opening example from which we must learn two most important lessons:

A.  The Prophet himself could not discern amongst his own people, amongst the people who were living in the same period in the history, or amongst those who had personally met and spoken with him, those who were sincere and those who were “the liars”

B.  There were limitations to the knowledge of the Prophet. So, the Prophet cannot necessarily speak of the past, let alone of the future, unless Allah revealed it to him.

We are not allowed to say the Prophet and his followers are the BEST, even better than other Messengers:

The Messenger believes in that which hath been revealed unto him from his Lord and (so do) believers. Each one believes in Allah and His angels and His scriptures and His messengers - We make no distinction between any of His messengers - and they say: We hear, and we obey. (Grant us) Thy forgiveness, our Lord. Unto Thee is the journeying. [2:285]

To say that ALL those who lived during or were in contact with the Prophet were flawless is a huge fallacy. That is when one starts glorifying saints, like Christians. The Christians went astray because they blindly followed saints and ALL of Jesus’ companions—should we do the same? If Abu Hurairah tells you that women are “bad luck” and created from a rib (like Genesis), should we believe him, or the Quran which was the only document our Prophet upheld?

Bukhari is full of fabricated hadiths and even scholars during his time were not in agreeance with his hadith selections. Dogmatic salafi/wahhabi scholars need to stop making him an “infallible”.  The hadith you quoted from Bukhari should not be the basis of our faith. To marry young girls “who you can play with” is not Islamic, but rather a perversion. Our Prophet did not say that.

The hadith you quoted was passed down through the generations and many chains of narrators only to be written down over 200 years AFTER the Prophet, only to land in Bukhari’s hands—it is HERESAY. It was not authorized by the Prophet, NOR his companions. Dr.Muhammad Muhsin chose to translate and compile Bukhari because he had an odd dream he was drinking the Prophet’s sweat and gets a duly stamped letter from the Prophet, and this is the basis for its compilation and translation according to the Saudi publishers. May God protect us from such blasphemy.

What do you mean by “the dis-like of polygamy” of not wanting to marry someone?

To Ibrahim,

Asalamun ‘alaikum

if you have a problem with the concept and science of hadith, then you have fallen into a great and serious fitna. May Allah grant you guidance from it.

To clarify, I never said that the Prophet PBUH’s followers were better than other messengers. It is agreed by the scholars of Ahlul Sunnah wa alJama’ah that Prophets were the best of mankind, and after them, the best were the companions of Muhammad PBUH, and after them were their next generation.
Even within the companions of the Prophet PBUH, we know that the 10 given glad tidings were the best, after them those who attended Badr, etc, etc, there are many narrations to support this from Quran and/or Hadith.
Even amongst the Prophets those that Allah chose to mention in the Qur’an are the greatest of Prophets and there is textual evidence to support this.

Just because we say that the companions of the Prophet are of high stature, that does not imply that they are free from faults or that all of them were of the same level. The core group from who we would consider the hadith to be in regards to was only maybe a few hundred if not less of the companions.

Companions = Sahaba.

Sahaba = anyone who met the Prophet PBUH in a state of Islam and died upon Islam.

However some Sahaba only met him, PBUH, for a few moments of their lives, whereas others spent years and years with him. The hadith I mentioned would refer to the latter and not the former.

This is pretty elementary Islam… if you have a problems, doubts, shuhubaat, with things of this nature, and with hadith… then you have some serious problems which I hope you overcome.

wa’laikum asalam wa rahmatullah sister Sameera,

The ayah that I quoted, came down in a certain situation and has a story attached to it. I would encourage you to refer to the tafsir of it.

“If you ask them (about this), they declare: ‘We were only talking idly and joking.’ Say: ‘Was it at Allaah, and His Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) and His Messenger that you were mocking?’
Make no excuse; you disbelieved after you had believed…”[al-Tawbah 9:65-66]

If the person who said negative words about Islam, or the Prophet, or the believers, or shari’ah, said it without the intention of mocking or harming them, this ayah would still apply.

Yes! This is something many people are not aware of. Whether you intended to mock or not is separate from the adab that is permitted for one to have when speaking and dealing with the religion. This is an area of study which journalists and du’at (such as your self) must be aware of. Having good intentions is not good enough, but the manner and the actions we take must also be in accordance with the guidance from Allah. I am informing you of this, so that you may know. This religion is a relgion of naseeha (advice), so that we may learn and correct our selves with humility. This is my advice to you and I hope it may benefit you.

—————-

As for the actual subject matter at hand. I think one of the comments above hit it nicely on the head… Truly in submission to Allah will the human find peace.
This is the essence of Islam, and Monotheism: submitting to Allah in all aspects of our existence. It is a great sacrifice to make, however a great reward deserves a great sacrifice, and what greater reward is the pleasure of your Lord and the Heaven that He created for the believers?

We need to always bring back our problems and issues to the core guidance and message from Allah. There is great wisdom in Allah sending all the prophets for all of time to come with a single message. It is that message we need to focus on understanding… truly understanding… In that message, will there be cures and antidotes to all the problems of the human experience. Does not He who created, know what He created, the best?

One of the brothers above raised an excellent point, that why do we see divorce as such a terrible thing to begin with? As i pondered on this I realized the people in my life whom I have seen gone through divorce, and those who have come near, how would their lives be different if there wasn’t a stigma attached to it… If it wasn’t a measure of a communities health, then I wonder how would the dynamics of marriage, of marriage ceremonies and divorce change… It is quite a paradigm shift! I see the only way a paradigm shift like this could be implemented within Muslim communities, would be through an Islamic reformation. To get people able to sacrifice their current ideas, concepts, cultureal baggage, and enter the folds of Islam is what it would take. I think many Muslims sadly don’t realize or ever get exposed to the great paradigm shift Islam brings to all other modes and systems of human societies. The only way we could change the way people think about marraige, they way they perform the marriage ceremonies, the qualities they value in a partner, the qualities they need to develop within themselves, would be some great, like how the Prophet PBUH brought Islam to the arabs. The Muslims need to bring Islam back into their lives with the same rigor and vigor. There are too many ayat in the Qur’an supporting this! When will we return to the strength, guidance and healing from our Lord!

The identification of the problem, always needs to be rooted out. If divorce if the problem, what causes the problem, and what causes that? If we go back, it will come back to the big picture mentioned here, the message of Islam, la ilaha illallah, muhammadar rasoolullah.

Lets read those books of aqeeda from our great scholars! lets read and learn about the lives of the prophets, the life of Muhammad and the lives of his successors and great companions. We are a people detached from our roots, and thrown into a land and system, a mode of living foreign to us, and we have sadly and unknowingly adopted it and taken it for granted…

What do you think about that Sister Sameera?

As a Muslim magazine, we have no interest in defaming Islam. in my view, nothing in the article detracts or diminishes from the significance of Ramadan.

That said, Abdullah, I see you have a different view, and your point “better safe than sorry” is noted. Thank you for commenting.

_ _ _

If I may contribute to the discussion, I do find Dr. Tom’s comments interesting. However, one must be careful with cross cultural comparisons (especially going into the past).

One small example is divorce settlements. In ‘olden times’, a divorced woman might be reintegrated and cared for by her tribe (brothers, etc). Thus divorce settlements could justifiably be small. Compare that to a woman who has been brought to North America by her husband with no work skills and limited English. After a few years (and maybe a child or two) the man divorces the woman and leaves. What’s the appropriate settlement? The historical amounts? Or an amount that appreciates the culture and the circumstances? These assessments and comparisons must be made carefully to ensure just treatment.

Turning back to divorce, I’m surprised that no one mentioned that “divorce is the most repugnant of the permitted things.” Yes there is a stigma, but for good reason. Maybe societies were better able to handle divorcees and single parenthood in the past due to the set up of nomadic/tribal life. I do not have the knowledge to say. But in the present, and in North America in particular, divorce is rarely a good thing for anyone affected by it.

Seeking guidance from those who have knowledge that could keep families happy and together should be encouraged. This does not need to come at the expense of personal religious reflection. I commend Sameera for taking on this difficult issue and bringing it to our readers’ attention.

Ali Ahmad
Editor
The Western Muslim

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A marriage is a project of two people which have to work hard in order for it to succeed. Someone said “Marriage is like a flower, if you don’t water it it will die”. Its a pity many Muslim men think their wife is just a servant in their home, and they are allowed to do whatever they want.We have to open up to new technology. I’m sorry to say, but a change of attitude should take place in many Muslim countries. Then we will witness the rate of divorce go down.

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